Friday, July 11, 2008

I think I'm going insane.

So. This whole wedding/moving thing has got me stressed. Stressed to the max. And I feel like no one understands. No one will help pack, even a little. Kevin just doesn't want to hear anything. And the doctor caused a whole nother break down today. So this morning I woke up around 4am and started to freak out. Why? I couldn't tell you. Nothing "set it off" or anything but I freaked out till about 8:30. Worst 4 hours of my life. My mom comes in my room and see's my face and wonders what's wrong. I start crying and tell her I don't know I'm freaking out.
"Why?" she responds to which I have no answer. Then she says I should call my Dr. to see if I can get some Xanax. Woo Hoo drugs. I'm on Welbutrin for my slight depression due to the stress and that stuff just isn't doin it. So I call the doctor and go to an appointment at 9:50. My mom & I get to the doctor's and they call my name. My mom asks if I want her to come in. Sure, why not, right? Nah. Not that great of an idea in hindsight. We're telling the doctor about my recent freak out and then my mother decides to tell the doctor about how I can't hold a job. I can't, I've had 4 in one year, but what does that have to do with anything? So the doctor says I should see this psychiatrist because whatever it is that is causing me to not be able to hold a job might be a factor that will come up later and might be why I couldn't hold a marriage together. WHAT?! I started bawling. I love Kevin. So much. That just freaked me out even more.
So we get back to the car and Kevin calls to see what the doctor said. So I handed the phone to my mom the nurse cause she could explain it better. And she did and told Kevin that he should just be nice to me and give me some TLC for a while.
So I found some cute toy golf sets for the boys' gifts in my wedding. I called Kevin to ask if he had already gotten them something, let alone think about it. And of course not. So I bought these toy golf sets. Is Kevin nice to me? No. He tells me how stupid that is and just UGH! I don't even want to talk about it. We fought all day. ALL DAY! How is that being nice to me? That's TLC? I had no idea. So we resolved all of that. Fast forward to 10 minutes ago. I called him to talk and he wants to watch some dumb movie rather than talk to me. Fine. Whatever. Sometimes he makes me so angry. I still love him, but I am so beyond waiting for this crap to happen. I'm tired of being tired of waiting. I don't want to wait for the rest of my life to start. This whole thing is just done. I don't even want a wedding anymore. Anything to get this over and done with and me moved. Anything. And on top of all this, I miss Kevin's behind like CRAZY. I miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.

1 comment:

Guilty Secret said...

Sorry to hear you've been having a hard time. Have you been exercising much? I really find that everything from a walk to more heavy-going exercise helps when I get depressed.